fake bacon and electronic music hotline 2012

Remember when you were a kid and all you wanted was some Star Wars toys, and then Christmas came around and what Santa brought wasn't official Star Wars stuff, but some kind of off-brand something that vaguely resembled Star Wars only not closely enough for legal action? Or when you wanted that Beatles record and what you got was "The Beetle Beat" by studio musicians pretending to be Merseyside club rockers? 

The disappointment of youth becomes the fascination of adulthood as we look back on these knockoffs with amusement and fondness. The West wasn't the only arbitrary geographic region to have its merchandising afflicted with items vaguely similar to other, more popular properties. Japan itself had a wonderful time selling almost-Kamen Riders and quasi-Ultramen and not-quite-Mazinger Zs to kids who didn't know any better and adults that didn't care one way or another, here's your thing, now shut up for five minutes. Let's take a look at two of 'em! 

I bought this children's rice bowl at a Japanese grocery store, entranced by its perfection of shape, its lustrous sheen, and its fake Transformers robot characters. It's seen lots of use mixing watercolors, acrylics, and ink washes in my enthusiastic if not quite professional artistic career; if it had been used as originally intended it would undoubtedly have been accidentally smashed on a kitchen floor long before now. 

The best part - well, apart from the legend "Batul V"-  is this illustration of the human characters, which seems to be a snapshot taken when Random Anime Hero met a girl cosplaying as Amu Fanneria from HEAVY METAL L.GAIM. On the other hand that guy may very well be a badly drawn, not-legally-actionable Daba Myroad. Sure, why not. 

As a huge hit prominently featuring a public-domain historical object, SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO inspired a wide variety of really blatant knockoffs, many of which are highlighted at the Starblazers.com website. Our subject here was purchased under the mistaken impression that it was official Yamato merchandise, a misapprehension no doubt shared by countless Japanese parents, to the chagrin of their kit-building, obsessive- compulsive-disorder suffering progeny. 

Part of the "Space Animation Series No. 1" collection from Tokyo Marui, the box art for this model kit promises to take you on a hundred-thousand light year journey to battle evil from beyond the stars, along with your vaguely Matsumoto-esque heroes. Other kits in the series include the Cosmo Shark, the Battle Tiger, and the Tiger Zero. 

Upon opening the box you're greeted with thirty-year old rubber bands and an ancient tube of model glue, protected by the visage of the no doubt evil Emperor Debiru, or as we like to call him, "Little Debiru". 

Basically the Comet Empire's Zordar with a copyright-defying beard, Emperor Devil here comes with his own little stand so you can prop him up like a paper doll in front of your completed Cosmo Warp kit. Tokyo Marui is now a world-reknowned manufacturer of airsoft guns, so you can now have the pleasure of shooting one Tokyo Marui product with another Tokyo Marui product. And so, the great circle of knockoff merchandising life continues.

Advice From The Beast

Back when Let’s Anime was a print fanzine read by dozens, we’d print darn near anything. One popular feature was an advice column written by an abusive, possibly psychotic individual known only as “The Beast”. Throughout the mid 1990s this so-called “expert” dispensed wisdom to every single fake question that the editors wrote for him. No one knows where he came from or what happened to him afterwards, but let’s remember him the way he’d want to be remembered – hurling insults at strangers.

THE BEAST 

By: The Beast (Let’s Anime #3, Spring 1993) 

Well here I am again to dispense my pearls of wisdom to you, my breathless audience. So shut up and pay attention. First off, here are some letters.

 Dear Beast: The other people in the anime club I attend all say that Ranma ½ is unrealistic and repetitive. What should I do? 
Yours, 
Chris Jorgensen 

Dear Chris;

 Show up at the next meeting in a dress, and beat the crap out of all the Ranma detractors. Repeat 115 times, changing genders as necessary.

  

Dear Beast; 
My pal Amuro says that Mobile Suit Gundam is just too complicated and has too many characters and mobile suits to keep track of. Is there any way I can explain Gundam simply to him?

Yours truly, 
Char 

Dear Char; 

Well, if your friend would only realize the inherent political ramifications in the Axis’ alliance with Neo-Jion, he would understand that the Titans meant to force a confrontation with Side 13 against the AEUG, which means that the Crossbone Vanguard would need to utilize the Zabi clan’s intentions to see the Abowaku/Luna 2 defense pact with Shangri-La dissolved in favor of a renewed hard-line policy of dropping space colonies and big rocks on Earth. There, that was easy, wasn’t it.

  

Dear Beast: 
I’m very unpopular with some people that I would like to impress a lot. I try harder and harder each time, but I always end up annoying them even more. What can I do to make these people like me? 

Sincerely, 
Carl Macek 

Dear Carl, 

You know, there are some people in this world that simply will never be satisfied, that will complain and complain no matter what you give them. It’s best to ignore these “nattering nabobs of negativity”, as Spiro Agnew described them, and go on about your business with calm self-assurance.

  

Dear Beast; 

You suck. You don’t know anything about music or advice. All the anime you like stinks. You’ve never had a girlfriend and you drive a badly-made automobile. Please die soon. 

Yours, 
I.M. Pseudonym 

EDITORS NOTE: Please remember to include your full name and address when writing The Beast. Thank you.

Dear Beast; 

My dad told me to ask you if that was your face, or were you just wearing a mask with the features of an abnormally stupid and ugly person who dunked his head into a vat of highly potent sulphuric acid and then tried to make up for it with enrollment in the Hair Club For Men? Huh? 

Your Pal, 
Crusher Ed 

1600 Whitebase Way 

Side Three 

Dear Crusher Ed; 

Thanks for including your full name and address. Hope you enjoy your new life in the orphanage.  

THE RETURN OF THE BEAST 

(Let’s Anime #4, Fall 1993) 

Well, howdy, and welcome back to my font of perpetual knowledge concerning personality problems and bands. I sure hope that those of you who have serious difficulties managing the anime-fan lifestyle will write in and ask for my help. And if you don’t get help here, get help somewhere… and now for our first letter.

   

Dear Beast; 

My pal says that ODIN is a science-fiction film, while I maintain that it is a space-fantasy. Which one of us is correct? 

Yours truly, 
Matt Black 

Dear Matt; 

You both are wrong. ODIN is neither a SF film nor a space fantasy. It is a sleeping aid. Use only as directed.  

Dear Beast, 

Why don’t they make a movie where the Knight Sabers from Bubblegum Crisis and Space Cobra team up with ‘Thundersub’ and Hurricane Polymar to defeat Marvel Comics’ Dr. Doom? 

Sincerely, 
Jim Shortz 

Dear Jim,
Because that would be stupid.

   

Dear Beast; 

If Carl Macek and Sandy Frank had a fight on live TV with sledgehammers and other blunt instruments, who would win? 

Ben Dover 

Dear Ben, 

I don’t know, but it’s nice to think about, isn’t it?

  

Dear Mr. Beast; 

I am currently working on my graduate thesis, which consists of an in-depth analysis of incidences of cultural significance in modern Japanese television animation. I would appreciate your opinion on the following: in your experience, do you feel that the zeitgeist of the common Japanese proletariat’s existence has been enriched by a common Jungian exposure to iconic symbolism through popular cultural media, or, conversely, is there to be seen a resurgence in classical autonomic materialization of total neo-judgmental theory? 

Yours truly, 

Billy (age 5) 

Dear Billy, 

Yes. 

ONCE AGAIN TERROR STALKS THE EARTH… THE BEAST LIVES 

Advice For The Hopeless By: The Beast 

(Let’s Anime #5, Spring 1994) 

Yes, it’s me again. They let me out of the institution just to painfully cobble this column together with crayon and brown paper (no sharp objects allowed) so I’m gonna try and make it a good one. First from my mailbag…  

Dear Beast: 

Why does all Japanese animation look like "Speed Racer"? 

Confusedly, 
Al Coholic 

Dear Al, 

Because you suck.

  

Dear Mr. Beast, 

Why do most of the characters featured in the majority of Japanese cartoons fail to resemble actual Japanese citizens in the least? 

Yours, 

Phil Irrup 

Dear Phil, 

Because your mother wears combat boots.

  

Dear Beast: 

Why does Ultraman always wait until the last possible minute before using his Spacium Beam and destroying the monster? Why doesn’t he use it at the beginning of the fight and kill the monster right off, saving countless lives and untold millions in property damage? 

Yours, 

Eiji Tsubaraya 

Dear Eiji; 

If the big silver guy used his big gun right at the beginning of the fight, it’d be over in a second! Where’s the fun in that, smart guy? Plus, it’s a little known fact that he owns controlling interests in several large Tokyo construction companies.  

Dear Beast, 

Whenever I use cheap, no-name brand videotape in my VCR, the copies always come out lousy and the shedding tape ruins my video heads, causing expensive repairs. 

Yours, 

Al Jalikakik 

 

Dear Al, 

Good.

  

UNTERKALTEN MIT DER AUFGEKOMMEN POKERT!! 

DAS BEAST 

(Let’s Anime #7, Fall 1994) 

Welcome back to the column that tells it like it is, when it was, and how it will be. Got a problem? The Beast has the answer! Let’s dip right into that mailbag and see what we come up with.  

Dear Beast: 

I’m confused. I could swear that the term for video-only animated releases is “original video animation”, or OVA. However, my pal Freddy claims that the real title is “original animation video”, or OAV. Our silly feud has escalated to the point where I am afraid to go outdoors or use power tools. Please end our dispute once and for all. 

Timidly yours, 

Matt Finisch 

Dear Matt, 

Obviously you’re the kind of guy who likes to spend hours arguing over incredibly stupid trivia that nobody else on the entire planet cares about. So here’s your answer: the real term used everywhere is “cartoon.” Deal with it.

 Dear Beast: 

I recently heard that, instead of renting anime at Blockbuster Video or buying it at the local comic book store, some fans are actually getting anime by trading videotapes with pen pals through the mail! What’s more, apparently they are getting anime that hasn’t even been released in America! Yours, 

Moe Ron 

Dear Moe; 

No shit.  

Dear Beast; 

The Lion King is a completely original film and is in no way a total ripoff of Tezuka’s JUNGLE EMPEROR. Really! 

Yours, 

Michael Eisner  

Dear Mike: 

Yeah, right. And Garuman/Gamilon space submarines might hyperwarp out of my butt. Heh heh. 

HE KNOWS EVERYTHING THE BEAST: ADVICE FOR MORONS 

(Let’s Anime #8, summer 1995) 

Greetings, puny mortals. It is I, The Beast, back to dispense my indispensable jewels of knowledge to the undeserving, ungrateful masses that teem around me, like a teeming mass of teeming things. Or something. Well, on to our first letter.  

Dear Beast; 

I really wanted to catch the next solar eclipse, but all my friends say I’ll go blind if I stare at it. I say they’re full of you-know-what. But what if they’re right and the blazing photosphere of the sun burns my retina like a surgical laser at full power? What then? 

Yours, 

Anita Drink  

Dear Anita; 

What then? Then you’ll be blind, stupid.

  

Dear Beast, 

My cousin Eddie says that Robotech was originally five American TV shows that the Japanese took and edited into three. Is he wrong, or am I correct in saying that Robotech was animated in Japan from a script written in Sri Lanka by Tamil rebels and then translated by UNESCO as part of an abortive peacekeeping effort in the Middle East? 

Sincerely, 

Ivan A. Beer 

Dear Ivan; 

You’re both wrong. Robotech was originally conceived in the tenth circle of Hell as punishment for the earthly misdeeds of certain members of Studio Nue. As it turned out, we all wound up suffering, but so the heck what.

Dear Beast; 

I’m hosting a little get-together for some close friends during which we will screen some examples of animation from the nation of Japan. I’m wondering if it’s permissible to serve wine, cheese, and other minor comestibles during the screening proper, or should one wait for an appropriate “halt in the action,” as it were? 

Snidely yours, 

Asfrum Holein Ground 

Dear Asfrum; 

When to hand out the munchies is a serious question facing those of us who entertain with Japanese cartoons. Thoughtfully, most animation producers have provided us with an “eyecatch”, a short intermission in the middle of the original animated video that is perfectly suited to a small interruption, and this includes the serving of refreshments. Of course, if the evening’s entertainment is a feature-length film, no such “eyecatch” will be present, in which case I suggest you use the goddamn pause button.

  

Dear Comrade Beast; 

Is it not true that the vigorous continuation of the class struggle results in the unequalization of People’s Justice as it applies to roundly condemning those who seek to undermine the revolution of the masses? Or what?
Yours,
No Wei

  

Dear No; 

A vigorous examination of the principles involved shows that normalization, though approaching at an increased rate, is still not within the realms of a classless society. I suggest you rededicate yourself to the eradication of anti-collectivism. Either that, or go fishing.

Dear Beast: 

You are so full of shit! I saw you at the con trying to impress the chicks with your so-called “knowledge” of Gundam and SPT Layzner. However, I happen to know that Amuro Ray’s father’s ambitions did not include political office or animal husbandry as those back issues of C/FO Magazine would have us believe! And Eiji’s fits of rage are certainly not irritability caused by caffeine withdrawal, as you slyly intimated in between shots of cheap bourbon – any idiot would realize that his enraged behavior stems from his home environment, and not from any questionable chemical factors! And what’s more, maybe next time you can take criticism in a slightly more mature fashion, instead of beating me savagely across the head and shoulders with a length of hard plastic pipe! Painfully yours, 

I Mista Buss 

Dear Mista: 

What the hell are you talking about?

======

Sadly, The Beast’s advice column never appeared again. The whereabouts of this helpful if abusive sage are unknown, and even though Let’s Anime enjoys a new life on the internets, he has not stepped forward to claim his place in its renaissance. And that’s probably OK.
 
original subscription form for the print Let's Anime. That will be $10 please

F IS FOR FAKE

Okay, I guess "fake" is too strong a word. In fact I don't want to even call these "bootlegs" because honestly, they don't represent knockoffs of already established product. But there's a degree of copywrong in the provenance of these pieces that speaks volumes about the desire for Japanese anime characters, as well as the casual disregard for intellectual property that has been the hallmark of Japanese animation's impact outside Japan.



If it's the 1980s, kids are crazy for robots, even in the form of cheap, tiny coloring books meant to be handed out as door prizes or favors at birthday parties, perhaps at Showbiz Pizza. And just think, that cheap coloring book you threw away because you were 8 and had no idea of the dramatic struggle of White Base to survive the Zeon onslaught was actually pirating artwork from a famous Japanese anime series! Let's look inside.



In spite of the Gundam cover, the characters inside are from Star Musketeer Bismark. Because... they couldn't find art to trace of Char or Amuro? Somebody really liked Marianne Louvre? Who knows? All I know is now I need something to put my crayons in.



Luckily this soft vinyl-covered pencil case will do the trick! And hey, it's not going to bother with your typical RX-78 Gundam, but instead chose to decorate itself with a weird approximation of what appears to be a RMS-179/RGM-79R GM II, the Earth Federation's mass production mobile suit from Zeta Gundam. I guess my pencils feel kind of safe, sort of.



The Gundam theme continues on the back with a fairly accurate GunCannon and hey, from a completely different series produced by a completely different studio, it's a Cyclone from Tatsunoko's Genesis Climber Mospeada! Because when you're using unauthorized artwork sometimes you just have to go a little crazy.

So let's take a break from all this pen and paper stuff and play some cheap plastic hand-held pinball. Surely this inexpensive dollar store party favor type game won't feature appopriated character art!



Oh wait. That's a soccer-playing Sailor Mercury going for the gold, isn't it?



Yup, it sure is, her Mercury Healing Tiara contrasting nicely with her striped soccer jersey. I suppose there was a time in the 1990s when it was thought you could sell anything with Sailor Moon characters. On the other hand, I did actually buy this thing, so I guess their plan succeeded.

Speaking of satisfying toy play value, it's hard to beat cheap Taiwanese knockoff robots for some good robot toy "fun".



Combining the classical looks of Mazinger Z with the trendy lion motif of Voltron, the "Lionbot" stands ready to defend himself against all the copyright lawyers in the galaxy!



This box art was apparently copied right off the side of THE GREATEST AIRBRUSHED CUSTOM VAN EVER. The other robot isn't a Lionbot, but Tiger Mask captured in a rare moment cosplaying as Great Mazinger.

So just let your feelings about intellectual property and quality childrens toys retreat into the background. Unless you want Lionbot to open you up a clumsily-painted, badly-cast, frosty cold can of BEAT-DOWN!

Sailing With Sindbad

First broadcast in 1975, the Nippon Animation Company's SINDBAD THE SAILOR ("Adventures Of Sindbad") follows the adventures of the eponymous character Sindbad - here presented as slightly younger than in other versions - and his pals Aladdin the wizard, Ali "40 Thieves" Baba, and Yasmila the mynah bird as they voyage through the mysterious, magic-filled world of Arabian fairy tales. Broadcast in Japan, Spain, Poland, Italy, the Netherlands, France, China, and of course the Arabian Peninsula, SINDBAD became a worldwide hit beloved by children everywhere, except the United States.


A shame, too, because SINDBAD is a perky, rollicking kid's show, full of action without being too violent and filled with exotic faraway places. We could have used a little SINDBAD in the dark days between "Speed Racer" and "Battle Of The Planets."



Instead of exciting adventure with Sindbad we had to endure "Scooby-Doo" reruns, the effects of whatever Sid & Marty Krofft were on that week, and drek like "Funky Phantom". Did "Funky Phantom" ever go to the jungle to meet a jungle boy and Tusk the Cocoa Krispies mascot? Well, Sindbad did!



Tusk is looking a little p.o.'ed there. Those better not be Cocoa Pebbles in your bowl kids!

With a memorable theme song sung by Mitsuko Horie, colorful and chunky 70s style anime character designs, and animation work by veterans like Noboru Ishiguro, SINDBAD is a show that carved out its own little Arabic niche of anime history. And if you doubt its influence, witness photographic evidence of a "Sindbad" themed restaurant in, of all places, Canada's federal capital Ottawa!



Cruising through Ottawa recently, I caught that sign out of the corner of my eye. I passed two intersections before I was able to convince myself I just saw a restaurant with "Sindbad" signage. And then I made an illegal U-turn. Always have your camera ready, kids!



How many more Japanese cartoon characters are being used in an unauthorized fashion as restaurant mascots? Keep watching the roadsides!

talkin' about fans

That's right, this LET'S ANIME column will be all about fans! You know, the kind you hold in your hand and move back and forth that kinda keep you cool? Oh, you thought we were going to talk about the OTHER kind of fan, the kind that moves from the couch to the computer and isn't EVER cool. Well, too bad.

Nope, today I'm clearly in the category of "what the hell", the kind of thing you notice out of the corner of your eye when you're digging through some Crazy Grandma antique mall out in the butt-end of nowhere, when you CLEARLY are not expecting to find evidence of the Mighty Power Of Japanimation. And you blink a few times and you ask yourself if you just really did see that, and then you ask the clerk for the key to showcase #G-7, and then you buy the thing and take it home. That's exactly what I did when I found these things.



Crazy googly-eyed Japanese fans! And not the kind that camp out waiting to ambush their favorite idol singers, either! Nope, these are little paper souvenir fans with cartoon characters printed on 'em.



The first one is an androgynous festival child wearing his or her matsuri happi coat. In the background, a crowd of revellers hoist what may or may not be the Ark Of The Covenant.



This was a promotional piece advertising the '57 Tokyo International Trade Fair, at which I bet you coulda picked up North American Tetsuwan Atomu merchandising rights for twenty bucks and a carton of Luckies. Quick, where's my time machine?

Next up is our favorite comic-strip husband, Dagwood Bumstead!



A slightly puffy, rosy-cheeked Dagwood poses with a minimalist Daisy. Star of "Blondie", a comic strip that enjoyed tremendous if inexplicable popularity in Japan, here Dagwood gets the kind of fat, slick brush line he'd never get in American comic pages, except for that week Walt Kelly and Chic Young traded strips. But what of the Japanese comic tradition? Will the Japanese powerhouse of manga-style comic art be represented in googly-eyed fan form? But of course.



Machiko Hasegawa's Sazae-San, the modern Japanese housewife who first appeared in 1946 and whose animated television series has been continually broadcast since 1969 (!!), here recieves the ultimate accolade Japan can offer by being depicted upon a cheap, possibly unlicensed paper fan. What the hell a paper fan featuring Sazae-San was doing locked in a showcase in an antique mall in Ohio is a mystery best left to professional archeologists. I am only thankful to whatever cosmic forces placed it in my hands, in all its googly-eyed glory.


OH NO MOMMY'S DRUNK AGAIN

More "what the hell" stuff to come here at Let's Anime! Stay tuned!