Advice From The Beast

Back when Let’s Anime was a print fanzine read by dozens, we’d print darn near anything. One popular feature was an advice column written by an abusive, possibly psychotic individual known only as “The Beast”. Throughout the mid 1990s this so-called “expert” dispensed wisdom to every single fake question that the editors wrote for him. No one knows where he came from or what happened to him afterwards, but let’s remember him the way he’d want to be remembered – hurling insults at strangers.

THE BEAST 

By: The Beast (Let’s Anime #3, Spring 1993) 

Well here I am again to dispense my pearls of wisdom to you, my breathless audience. So shut up and pay attention. First off, here are some letters.

 Dear Beast: The other people in the anime club I attend all say that Ranma ½ is unrealistic and repetitive. What should I do? 
Yours, 
Chris Jorgensen 

Dear Chris;

 Show up at the next meeting in a dress, and beat the crap out of all the Ranma detractors. Repeat 115 times, changing genders as necessary.

  

Dear Beast; 
My pal Amuro says that Mobile Suit Gundam is just too complicated and has too many characters and mobile suits to keep track of. Is there any way I can explain Gundam simply to him?

Yours truly, 
Char 

Dear Char; 

Well, if your friend would only realize the inherent political ramifications in the Axis’ alliance with Neo-Jion, he would understand that the Titans meant to force a confrontation with Side 13 against the AEUG, which means that the Crossbone Vanguard would need to utilize the Zabi clan’s intentions to see the Abowaku/Luna 2 defense pact with Shangri-La dissolved in favor of a renewed hard-line policy of dropping space colonies and big rocks on Earth. There, that was easy, wasn’t it.

  

Dear Beast: 
I’m very unpopular with some people that I would like to impress a lot. I try harder and harder each time, but I always end up annoying them even more. What can I do to make these people like me? 

Sincerely, 
Carl Macek 

Dear Carl, 

You know, there are some people in this world that simply will never be satisfied, that will complain and complain no matter what you give them. It’s best to ignore these “nattering nabobs of negativity”, as Spiro Agnew described them, and go on about your business with calm self-assurance.

  

Dear Beast; 

You suck. You don’t know anything about music or advice. All the anime you like stinks. You’ve never had a girlfriend and you drive a badly-made automobile. Please die soon. 

Yours, 
I.M. Pseudonym 

EDITORS NOTE: Please remember to include your full name and address when writing The Beast. Thank you.

Dear Beast; 

My dad told me to ask you if that was your face, or were you just wearing a mask with the features of an abnormally stupid and ugly person who dunked his head into a vat of highly potent sulphuric acid and then tried to make up for it with enrollment in the Hair Club For Men? Huh? 

Your Pal, 
Crusher Ed 

1600 Whitebase Way 

Side Three 

Dear Crusher Ed; 

Thanks for including your full name and address. Hope you enjoy your new life in the orphanage.  

THE RETURN OF THE BEAST 

(Let’s Anime #4, Fall 1993) 

Well, howdy, and welcome back to my font of perpetual knowledge concerning personality problems and bands. I sure hope that those of you who have serious difficulties managing the anime-fan lifestyle will write in and ask for my help. And if you don’t get help here, get help somewhere… and now for our first letter.

   

Dear Beast; 

My pal says that ODIN is a science-fiction film, while I maintain that it is a space-fantasy. Which one of us is correct? 

Yours truly, 
Matt Black 

Dear Matt; 

You both are wrong. ODIN is neither a SF film nor a space fantasy. It is a sleeping aid. Use only as directed.  

Dear Beast, 

Why don’t they make a movie where the Knight Sabers from Bubblegum Crisis and Space Cobra team up with ‘Thundersub’ and Hurricane Polymar to defeat Marvel Comics’ Dr. Doom? 

Sincerely, 
Jim Shortz 

Dear Jim,
Because that would be stupid.

   

Dear Beast; 

If Carl Macek and Sandy Frank had a fight on live TV with sledgehammers and other blunt instruments, who would win? 

Ben Dover 

Dear Ben, 

I don’t know, but it’s nice to think about, isn’t it?

  

Dear Mr. Beast; 

I am currently working on my graduate thesis, which consists of an in-depth analysis of incidences of cultural significance in modern Japanese television animation. I would appreciate your opinion on the following: in your experience, do you feel that the zeitgeist of the common Japanese proletariat’s existence has been enriched by a common Jungian exposure to iconic symbolism through popular cultural media, or, conversely, is there to be seen a resurgence in classical autonomic materialization of total neo-judgmental theory? 

Yours truly, 

Billy (age 5) 

Dear Billy, 

Yes. 

ONCE AGAIN TERROR STALKS THE EARTH… THE BEAST LIVES 

Advice For The Hopeless By: The Beast 

(Let’s Anime #5, Spring 1994) 

Yes, it’s me again. They let me out of the institution just to painfully cobble this column together with crayon and brown paper (no sharp objects allowed) so I’m gonna try and make it a good one. First from my mailbag…  

Dear Beast: 

Why does all Japanese animation look like "Speed Racer"? 

Confusedly, 
Al Coholic 

Dear Al, 

Because you suck.

  

Dear Mr. Beast, 

Why do most of the characters featured in the majority of Japanese cartoons fail to resemble actual Japanese citizens in the least? 

Yours, 

Phil Irrup 

Dear Phil, 

Because your mother wears combat boots.

  

Dear Beast: 

Why does Ultraman always wait until the last possible minute before using his Spacium Beam and destroying the monster? Why doesn’t he use it at the beginning of the fight and kill the monster right off, saving countless lives and untold millions in property damage? 

Yours, 

Eiji Tsubaraya 

Dear Eiji; 

If the big silver guy used his big gun right at the beginning of the fight, it’d be over in a second! Where’s the fun in that, smart guy? Plus, it’s a little known fact that he owns controlling interests in several large Tokyo construction companies.  

Dear Beast, 

Whenever I use cheap, no-name brand videotape in my VCR, the copies always come out lousy and the shedding tape ruins my video heads, causing expensive repairs. 

Yours, 

Al Jalikakik 

 

Dear Al, 

Good.

  

UNTERKALTEN MIT DER AUFGEKOMMEN POKERT!! 

DAS BEAST 

(Let’s Anime #7, Fall 1994) 

Welcome back to the column that tells it like it is, when it was, and how it will be. Got a problem? The Beast has the answer! Let’s dip right into that mailbag and see what we come up with.  

Dear Beast: 

I’m confused. I could swear that the term for video-only animated releases is “original video animation”, or OVA. However, my pal Freddy claims that the real title is “original animation video”, or OAV. Our silly feud has escalated to the point where I am afraid to go outdoors or use power tools. Please end our dispute once and for all. 

Timidly yours, 

Matt Finisch 

Dear Matt, 

Obviously you’re the kind of guy who likes to spend hours arguing over incredibly stupid trivia that nobody else on the entire planet cares about. So here’s your answer: the real term used everywhere is “cartoon.” Deal with it.

 Dear Beast: 

I recently heard that, instead of renting anime at Blockbuster Video or buying it at the local comic book store, some fans are actually getting anime by trading videotapes with pen pals through the mail! What’s more, apparently they are getting anime that hasn’t even been released in America! Yours, 

Moe Ron 

Dear Moe; 

No shit.  

Dear Beast; 

The Lion King is a completely original film and is in no way a total ripoff of Tezuka’s JUNGLE EMPEROR. Really! 

Yours, 

Michael Eisner  

Dear Mike: 

Yeah, right. And Garuman/Gamilon space submarines might hyperwarp out of my butt. Heh heh. 

HE KNOWS EVERYTHING THE BEAST: ADVICE FOR MORONS 

(Let’s Anime #8, summer 1995) 

Greetings, puny mortals. It is I, The Beast, back to dispense my indispensable jewels of knowledge to the undeserving, ungrateful masses that teem around me, like a teeming mass of teeming things. Or something. Well, on to our first letter.  

Dear Beast; 

I really wanted to catch the next solar eclipse, but all my friends say I’ll go blind if I stare at it. I say they’re full of you-know-what. But what if they’re right and the blazing photosphere of the sun burns my retina like a surgical laser at full power? What then? 

Yours, 

Anita Drink  

Dear Anita; 

What then? Then you’ll be blind, stupid.

  

Dear Beast, 

My cousin Eddie says that Robotech was originally five American TV shows that the Japanese took and edited into three. Is he wrong, or am I correct in saying that Robotech was animated in Japan from a script written in Sri Lanka by Tamil rebels and then translated by UNESCO as part of an abortive peacekeeping effort in the Middle East? 

Sincerely, 

Ivan A. Beer 

Dear Ivan; 

You’re both wrong. Robotech was originally conceived in the tenth circle of Hell as punishment for the earthly misdeeds of certain members of Studio Nue. As it turned out, we all wound up suffering, but so the heck what.

Dear Beast; 

I’m hosting a little get-together for some close friends during which we will screen some examples of animation from the nation of Japan. I’m wondering if it’s permissible to serve wine, cheese, and other minor comestibles during the screening proper, or should one wait for an appropriate “halt in the action,” as it were? 

Snidely yours, 

Asfrum Holein Ground 

Dear Asfrum; 

When to hand out the munchies is a serious question facing those of us who entertain with Japanese cartoons. Thoughtfully, most animation producers have provided us with an “eyecatch”, a short intermission in the middle of the original animated video that is perfectly suited to a small interruption, and this includes the serving of refreshments. Of course, if the evening’s entertainment is a feature-length film, no such “eyecatch” will be present, in which case I suggest you use the goddamn pause button.

  

Dear Comrade Beast; 

Is it not true that the vigorous continuation of the class struggle results in the unequalization of People’s Justice as it applies to roundly condemning those who seek to undermine the revolution of the masses? Or what?
Yours,
No Wei

  

Dear No; 

A vigorous examination of the principles involved shows that normalization, though approaching at an increased rate, is still not within the realms of a classless society. I suggest you rededicate yourself to the eradication of anti-collectivism. Either that, or go fishing.

Dear Beast: 

You are so full of shit! I saw you at the con trying to impress the chicks with your so-called “knowledge” of Gundam and SPT Layzner. However, I happen to know that Amuro Ray’s father’s ambitions did not include political office or animal husbandry as those back issues of C/FO Magazine would have us believe! And Eiji’s fits of rage are certainly not irritability caused by caffeine withdrawal, as you slyly intimated in between shots of cheap bourbon – any idiot would realize that his enraged behavior stems from his home environment, and not from any questionable chemical factors! And what’s more, maybe next time you can take criticism in a slightly more mature fashion, instead of beating me savagely across the head and shoulders with a length of hard plastic pipe! Painfully yours, 

I Mista Buss 

Dear Mista: 

What the hell are you talking about?

======

Sadly, The Beast’s advice column never appeared again. The whereabouts of this helpful if abusive sage are unknown, and even though Let’s Anime enjoys a new life on the internets, he has not stepped forward to claim his place in its renaissance. And that’s probably OK.
 
original subscription form for the print Let's Anime. That will be $10 please

fake interview time!

(this fake interview appeared in Let's Anime #3 and is totally fake and is presented merely for comedy purposes. Because it's fake.)

WE (DON'T) INTERVIEW TUMIKO RAKAHASHI




The JAL 747's tires squeal as it lands on the runway at Narita International Airport. In Japan. Through immigration the line did crawl, but I wasn't perturbed; I was here to see none other than Tumiko Rakahashi, creator of some of the most popular manga (Japanese for "manga") in all of Japan. Soon, a sleek limo deposited me at the gates of Rakahashi-san's estate, a modest affair of only 589 square acres somewhere south of Makurazaki Prefecture. Entering through the ornately carved main doorway, I suddenly felt a stinging pain as a large aizuwakamatsu (Japanese for "bowling ball") crashed into my unprotected skull. Through a red haze of pain, I made out a mischievously grinning figure, whose mirth changed suddenly to concern.

This was my first meeting with Tumiko Rakahashi.

"Holy cow, I thought you were one of the servants!" she exclaimed in perfect English. "Are you OK?"

I assured her that a mere brain concussion was a minor injury, and with that, the interview got under way.

Born in 1950 to a humble, unassuming electronics genius, and her husband, Tumiko's first memories are of using indelible crayon to deface General MacArthur's portrait on the Occupation Currency then in use in Japan. "Moustaches, mostly. I really jam on moustaches!" she recalls with glee. After an uneventful school career and a short stint as an onomichi, or department store escalator hand-rail buffer ("A very unrewarding job. I mean, how dirty can those damn things get, anyway?") she realized that her only chance at fame and fortune lay in the lucrative field of manga, or as we Americans would say, "comic books printed backwards in foreign languages starring people with big eyes and speed lines." And after three weeks training at the special chichibutama (manga training school) in Nakaoaka Prefecture, she was at last ready.



"I felt that the world of manga needed more comics with a woman's touch... manga that women could read and relate to... manga that would make me filthy rich..." her first story, Minami Tori Kanazawa, or "Life Of Pathetic Bastard", was serialized beginning in 1969 in the popular manga weekly, Shonen Drip. It wasn't a hit, to say the least, but it garnered a cult following, and to this day a "Pathetic Bastard" fan club operates in Japan, to the obvious dismay of the authorities.

Next from her prolific pen was the stirring saga of two brave agricultural extension service officials and their dramatic struggle against the forces of plant lice and those darn monkeys who steal corn and stuff, or as millions of devoted Japanese readers knew it, Daisetsuzan Towada Hachimantai, or in English, "Eat Club, You Stupid Monkey!" During a promotional tour for the Daisetsuzan TV cartoon show, she had the first glimmerings of an idea for a new series; a series that would break new ground, firmly establish her name as one of the greatest in the world of manga, one that would have so many characters that nobody, not in a million years, would ever be able to keep track of them all.



And thus was born Urusei Matsuda, or as it is fondly known in the West, "Those Obnoxious Noisy Characters Whom We Can't Keep Track Of Even With A Scorecard, From The Stars." This lovable high-school comedy features approximately 35,000 characters, all of whom are sexually harassed by the lovable, friendly Atari Mitsubishi. The story became an instant hit, mainly because Tumiko bribed all the distributors into buying millions of copies, in a move that later spurred public outcry and led to some of the most comprehensive antitrust legislation ever enacted in Japan. This was probably unnecessary, because the series would have been a hit anyway, appealing as it does to wimpy Japanese high school freshmen who must wait until they are salarymen to begin sexually harassing their female Japanese coworkers. Appearing in the weekly "Shonen Saturday Night Fever", Urusei Matsuda was soon turned into a popular animated TV show (by Gritty Films).

Tumiko-san was now very wealthy and could do things undreamt of by most Japanese - install central heating, outfit her bathroom with special Western-style toilets with special talking attachments, and even begin to think about taking a vacation.

I asked Tumiko-san if her own high school experiences had contributed to the story of Urusei Matsuda. "Hell, I dunno," she replied. "I smoked so much weed in high school, I don't remember anything!"

It was during the height of Urusei Matsuda's popularity that she began work on what has become known as her second great success. The tender and emotional love story of an apartment house full of sadistic, mentally depraved psychopaths and the despotic landlady who forces them into degrading and humiliating experiences, and who is also an alien plant woman from the Crab Nebula, Mazone Ikkoku was a hit before it even appeared, thanks to skillful advance publicity work on the part of Shonen I Don't Like Mondays. Mobs of Tumiko devotees slaughtered each other in the millions outside manga specialty shops in a desperate struggle to gain even a ripped corner of the latest masterwork from the pen of Rakahashi. Once again she was a multimillionairess several times over, and in fact was forced to purchase the nation of Thailand as a tax dodge. That's why Lum is on all their money.



Anyway, it was a character from Urusei Matsuda that provided the inspiration for her next hit. Matsuda featured a character who was actually a girl but whom dressed as a lumberjack. Tumiko took this switcheroo philosophy to heart and created a story about a closet case who manages to convince everyone around him that because of a curse, he turns into a girl, which allows him to explore the more feminine side of his personality without threatening his masculinity. This series, Ramen Nibonouchi, or "Ramen Bi-Half", was yet another instant hit, thanks to skillful advance publicity in the way of mass hypnotism and subliminal messages inserted into episodes of Sazae-San and Kamen Rider Super-One.

Anyway, now that Tumiko is sitting on top of the anime and manga world, what's next?

"Well, right now I'm concentrating on keeping my assistants in line. Those goofballs slack off every chance they get, and I'm sick of it!" She pulled a wicked-looking glove over her left hand. "This is a toy that never passed the safety requirements - I call it a "Lum Glove" - and it really whips those lazy bums into shape!" Turning suddenly, there was a crackle of electricity from her fingertips, and a hapless butler was reduced to a charred ruin. Tumiko laughed gaily. "What a gas!" she said.

Reeling from the stench of burning flesh, I asked her which piece of merchandising from one of her creations was her favorite.

"Well, I must admit I always loved the Urusei Matsuda Flaming Trash Postcard Book (postcards featuring lovely photos of dumpsters and landfills which burst into flames upon delivery). And the Mazone Ikkoku Household Plaster Repair Kit certainly has its uses. But my absolute favorite is the Fat Roger Ebert Barbecue Sauce. It has real pieces of Roger Ebert in it!"



Yes, it certainly seems as if the entire universe is just waiting for the chance to put a few hundred thousand million more yen into Tumiko Rakahashi's bulging bank account. So here's to you Tumiko! Keep those manga masterworks coming, and how!